This wickedly twisted work of fiction is © copyrighted 1996 by Cody and Charles Faraone.

Part Four - If he can't have it, nobody can.





Chapter Ten - If you can't find a genius, make one.

Former Vector area, April 22nd, 12:74 PM.

"Do we have to look at that thing?" Ultros asked Locke, pointing

at the Setzer-canary.

"Hey! I am not a 'thing'!" Setzer snapped back.

"Yes, you do." Locke said. "I'm not about to give up my favorite

decoration."

Lugae rolled his eyes. "Was that your 'Hand of God line rip off' for this

chapter?"

"Um, one of them." Locke answered. "I hope to do many more before

this story's over."



"And how much longed will that be?"



"Oh, not long!" Locke snapped. "Didn't you see the first line?

'And now the conclusion of...'. It's almost over. And I'm going to

win!"



"And how are you going to do that?" Lugae questioned.



"Easy! See the title of the chapter? That's what I'm going

to do!"



"'Make' a genius? How are you going to do THAT?"



"Oh, so easy! I'll use the Snarf."



"That thing has come in handy, I'll give you that." Lugae remarked.



"Yes, it has." Locke agreed. "And who built the machine that

brought it here? Hmm?"



Lugae and Ultros sighed. "You." 



Locke grinned wide. "ME!" He began laughing.



"Hey." Setzer whispered to the pair. "you really want to work for him?

There's far more money to be made in casinos! Join me, we can rule

the night life as-"



"STOP!!!" Locke roared. "I heard that! Only I, ONLY I, may

rip off lines from other books/movies etc.!"



"You're a lot of fun." Setzer muttered.



"Now! Back to the business at hand. This is the part of the story

where we make our plans known to someone who can escape and

warn the others."



"Umm... I know that's part of the plot, but do we really have to do

it? I mean, it's such a stupid mistake." Lugae said hopefully.



"Yes." Locke said. "We must." He turned to Setzer.

"Now pay close attention, I'm only saying this once."



. . .



 After making certain that Setzer knew of his plans, and

had a body capable of making it back to Doma in time to

warn the heroes, Locke took a small band of soldiers on

a secret mission.





The small covert group made it's way up to Nikeah and

took another free ferry ride to South Figaro. Their passage

through South Figaro would have gone totally unnoticed if

Locke hadn't stopped to spray paint the words 

"Locke was here!" on the police station wall.



They continued north, sneaking about, following

the Ninja Code of Stealth that Locke had taught them.

Locke has told them that the one word a Ninja must

always remember was "Surprise Attack!"



Locke stopped briefly at the wreck of Figaro Castle to look

for a few coins he had dropped while running away.



[Author's note: In another version of this story, Locke

found Gau's remains and brought them back to life using

the Snarf. However, that idea doesn't seem to have

fit into the version you are reading, so...]



Locke, who had just picked up Gau's remains, dropped

them when he read the previous paragraph.

'Pity. That idea sounded like fun. I hate it when stories get cut!'



The Locke-Ninjas continued north until they reached their destination:

Narshe. 

(Due to the author's forgetfulness, they where able to reach Narshe

without dealing with the ocean in their path.)



Once there, Locke ordered them to spread out and search the area.

Locke, who knew exactly where he was going, but didn't want any of

the soldiers to get credit for finding the object of their search, headed

straight for the "New" mine shaft. (For all that it had been dug seven years

ago.) As Locke moved through the same tunnels he had traveled during

the game, he could not shake the feeling that someone was watching

him. A quick run through the list of characters told Locke who it must

be. "Strago! Come on out!" 



"Don't be an idiot, kupo!" a voice said from behind Locke, startling him.

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" Locke exclaimed.

"Don't be an idiot then!" Mog replied siting down on a rock.

"Say, Mog." Locke began. "You, ah, wouldn't happen to have seen Umaro

around, would you?"

Mog looked at Locke funny. "You wouldn't happen to have seen Umaro around

would you, kupidiot?"

"I asked you, why would I have seen him?"

Mog made a rude noise at Locke. "He's been following you for the

last fifteen minutes!"

"WHERE?!" Locke exclaimed, spinning around to see the sasquatch

towering over him.

"HHHIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Umaro grunted.

"Ah HA!" Locke yelled, grabbing something off his belt and throwing

it on the floor. The bomb went off, filling the cave with thick white

smoke.





When the smoke cleared, Mog was left standing alone in the

cave. There was no sign of Locke or Umaro. 

"I'd have never thought that idiot could'da done that right..."

Mog shrugged.

"Umaro's a big boy, and I'll hungry. I guess I'll go bring the Chocobos

one step closer to extinction."







Chapter Eleven - Only two hundred and thirty-eight miles

                                as the bird flies isn't quite so much fun

                                when you are the bird.





Setzer was exhausted. It was bad enough having to go all this

distance with a canary's body, having to carry his human head

along didn't help much.



Still, Setzer made it. He made it all the way from Vector's ruins

to castle Doma in under three paragraphs.



He spotted a light below in the castle, and swooped down to 

warn his friends.









Edgar tried his best not to give himself away. He had a full house,

and he was sure he'd win this one.



Cyan tossed down two cards, and Celes dealt him replacements.

The knight's face remained neutral the whole time.



Celes dealt herself three cards, then looked at Terra questioningly.



Terra glanced over at Edgar, who hadn't drawn any cards himself.



"None." She said quietly.



Edgar's heart sank. He thought he might win this one...

But what if Terra was bluffing? Yes! She had to be! Luck

was with Edgar this hand!



"Bets?" Celes asked. The rules of this game where that you could

bet anything except money. 



"That shield on the wall over there." Cyan answered.



"I'll raise you my Jet Pack." Edgar said.



"What Jet Pack?" Cyan asked.



"The one I had in another fanfic."



"Does that count?" Cyan asked Celes.



"No." Celes said. "Edgar, bet something from this story."



"You sure? It's a cool jet pack."



"Why did you stop capitalizing the words J/jet P/pack?" John

asked, and then disappeared again.



"Forget him." Celes said. "Bet Edgar."



"Okay, I raise you... Um... My chainsaw."



Celes shot Cyan a "what does Edgar think he has?" glance.



"The Illumia." Terra said. Celes and Cyan looked at each other.



"Well, I fold." they said in chorus tossing their cards on the table.



Uh, oh. What does she have? Edgar thought, panic starting

to creep up on him. Yet he DID have a full house, ace high too.



Edgar decided to be daring.



"I raise you... twenty acres out side of South Figaro."



Terra looked down at her cards, then back at Edgar.



"I'll see that bet." She said looking straight into his eyes.

"Dinner with me."



S**T! She's got a royal flush!



"Ah, I fold!" Edgar said slapping his cards down on the table.



Terra smiled slightly.



Just then a huge thud sounded against the window.

The poker players watched wide-eyed as the creature

slid off the window and fell to the ground.



"Was that..." Celes began.



"Setzer?" Cyan finished.



Celes, Cyan and Terra ran out of the room, leaving Edgar

to do what he knew he must.



He lifted Terra's cards and looked at them.



4 of hearts, 7 of clubs, King of spades, ace of hearts, two of clubs.



 NOTHING?! She tricked me!









The three returned carrying the weirdest thing Edgar had ever seen.

"I am not a thing!" Setzer yelled as they put him on the table.



"Uh, I'm not here for dinner, am I?" Setzer asked.



"Of course not!" Celes said.



"But there was almost a certain dinner..." Terra remarked slyly.



Edgar fumed.



"Please, listen to me." Setzer said. "That jerk Locke, He shot down the

Falcon and took me into his bunker. He did this to me, then told me

his whole plan. Probably wants you to walk into a trap. But... I had

to warn you that he's going to destroy the world. He said. If he

can't have it, nobody can."



"Is that what part four's title means." Cyan said realizing.



"Yes." Setzer replied weakly. "You... You must find him...

He has this creature called a Snarf. He... Uses it to... change

reality. He's transformed Umaro into an evil genius. 

The sasquatch is going to build him an armored space station

with enough power to destroy an entire planet."



"We have to stop him!" Terra exclaimed.



That should have been my line... Edgar thought.



"But how?" Celes asked.



Setzer leaned up. "You must go to the Hand of God Mafia Headquarters

and steal a shuttle." Setzer held up his wing, presenting a computer disk.

"This disk has the security clearance codes Locke gave me. With these

you can get aboard the station and rescue Umaro. Then, he can tell

you how to destroy it."



"Then that is what we must do!" Edgar said heroically. Then 

"Hey! You let me say it!"



"Well, you did destroy Locke's army." Terra said. "That deserves some

credit."



Edgar started to say something more, but Terra waved her finger at him.









Much later, aboard the Hand of DooM, Locke's battle station.







Locke was pacing the bridge. "Still no sign of the shuttle?"

"No, sir." the radar operator responded.



"When it does show up, can we just shoot it down?" Lugae pleaded.



"No!" Locke snapped. "That's not in the plot!"



"F the plot!" Lugae screamed in rage. "I   DON'T  WANT  TO LOSE AGAIN!"



"Too bad." Locke replied casually. "Put him in the brig."



"NO!" Lugae ranted as he was dragged away. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

YOU CAN'T! WE CAN WIN! WE CAN STILL-" 

The door closed, cutting off the noise.



Ultros looked at Locke.



Locke looked at Ultros. "Would you like to keep Lugae company in the

brig?"



"Nosir!" the octopus replied, saluting with six tentacles.



"Good..." Locke said with an ominous pause after the word.



The pair watched out the window. Waiting for destiny.









The shuttle flew along a more or less straight course to the

Hand of DooM. 





"Are you sure you know how to drive this thing?" Celes asked

Edgar.

"Yes. It's very easy, just don't make me hit the wrong button."

Edgar replied nervously.



As they drew closer to the battle station, a voice came over the

radio. "We have you on our screens n-" The voice was cut off

suddenly. Then Locke's voice could be heard. "Transmit

your code clearance now."



"Uh, transmission commencing." Edgar said.

He pushed a few buttons, then glanced around the cockpit.

Celes was standing frozen, staring at the station.



"You alright?" Terra asked her.



"I'm endangering the mission, I shouldn't have come." Celes

mumbled.



"Celes?!" Locke's voice came over the radio. "It's about time you

showed up! And you're not allowed to rip off lines! Only I can

do that! But I'll cut you some slack this time since you're my

wife. By the way, you're clear to sneak onto the station."

The radio cut off, and the four in the cockpit exchanged

glances.







The shuttle flew on towards the dreaded space weapon.

(Which, by the way, was shaped like a hand.)







After the shuttle landed on board the station, the four

heroes waited some time for the soldiers to arrive,

yet none did. They stealthily made their way out of

the hanger. A large sign on the wall read: 

"UMARO: -THAT-WAY->"



After yet another exchange of glances, the heroes went

the other way.



And after wasting two hours searching, finally returned

to the sign and followed it.



Right around the corner they found a door marked: UMARO



"Wait!" Edgar exclaimed. "I've always wanted to do this!"

Edgar stood squarely in front of the door and kicked it.



The door was unchanged, though Edgar's foot had seen better days.



"That was stupid." Terra remarked as she pressed the button on the

wall beside the door, which slid open.



Umaro looked up from the design he was sketching.

"Well, I say. It's certainly about time you arrived here.

Locke will destroy the world soon. We must hurry off the station."



The sasquatch got up off his stool and walked to the door.

"Don't just stand around! Speed is of the essence!"



Umaro jogged around the corner to the ship while the heroes,

yes, you guessed it, exchanged a glance.



The four returned to the ship, now five strong, having completed

their mission. Umaro sat in the pilots seat, making a remark

about something. It was hard to tell given that he had mumbled

in sasquatchian.



The shuttle lifted off and dove towards the planet, it's shields

carving a fiery trail through Gaia's atmosphere.



And thus ends the chapter.





Final Chapter - It all comes down to this.



 Back in The Hand of God Mafia Headquarters... 



Snarf paced back and forth, wondering what he had done to

deserve this fate. Behind him paced the remaining 97 Smurfs,

thinking similar thoughts.



Their gazes turned to the sky as the shuttle came into

view.



The pilot executed a perfect landing on the pad.

As the engines powered down, the boarding

ramp lowered, and the four plus one heroes

emerged. 





As they headed down the ramp Edgar spied the

gathering of creatures. "Here comes the scene

in which Terra feels bad for some poor little

things." he muttered to no one in particular.



"Oh!" Terra exclaimed upon viewing the poor little

creatures. "What did Locke do to you?" 



"See." Edgar said.



"What?" Celes asked him.



"Nothing." Edgar replied.



Terra ran over to the 98 little creatures.

The largest of them, the red and yellow cat spoke

the her. "Bbrrr, you call that guy Locke? He's the nastiest

creep old Snarf's ever seen! I would'da shown him a thing or two

but I didn't wanna hurt the little blue guys."



"He's already hurt us!" one of the Smurfs cried. "He killed

Jokey, Brainy, Ugly and Insideout! Gargamel never did anything like that to us!

We don't know how to handle it!"



"And he's still got Papa Smurf tied around his neck!" Another Smurf put in.



"This is terrible!" Terra said turning to the others.



"I know how much you feel for all the world's helpless little

creatures, But the Hand of DooM will be powering up

it's main cannon soon." Umaro said. "If Locke fires that

cannon, it's end of story. And no sequels. I will build a

squadron of aerospace fighters which you will fly

against the Hand of DooM." 



Umaro began sticking scrap metal parts together as he

gave them the technical readout for the battle station.



"Now while the Hand does have a powerful cannon, 

the number of turbo laser turrets is quite low. So therefore,

the only logical attack would come from small one man

fighters. Since Locke knows this, we can be certain he will

not be ready for it. 



Now, I did not build any trenches on the Hand, so attacking

it will be much easier. All you have to do is score a direct hit

on the tail pipe. A precise hit will start a chain reaction that

will destroy the station. However, the tail pipe is shielded

against all known forms of attack, so you will have to

stop it up with a banana."



The heroes waited for someone to say "That's impossible!"

but no one did, so Umaro continued.



"You will have twenty minutes before the Hand is clear to

fire. Man your ships, and may the... Forget it, I am wasting time.

Go get Locke!"



Umaro stepped away from four shiny(shiny! SHINY!) new starfighters.



Edgar, Terra, Celes and Cyan climbed into their ships and

took off. 



On their way into orbit they had a necessary discussion of roles.



"Look, the way I see it, I'm Luke." Edgar said.



"Well, the way I see it, I'm Luke or I'll use MY chainsaw for

spare parts." Terra replied.



"Spare parts for what?!" Edgar exclaimed. "You couldn't even get

the screws out of it!"



"So sure I don't know how to dismantle it?" Terra asked him sweetly.



"... ... ALRIGHT! Fine. You're Luke." Edgar started muttering to himself

about vengeance.



"That's nice." Terra said. Then to the flight group. "Okay, I'm flying

point. Form a diamond pattern with Edgar flying aft. 



Edgar's muttering grew louder.



The fighters streaked toward the Hand of DooM, about to begin a battle

that would decide Gaia's fate.





 Aboard the Hand of DooM 





"Enemy fighters ahead." The radar operator called.



"Forget them." Locke said. "We can fire the cannon right

now."



"We can?" Ultros asked. "I thought Gaia was still out of range."



Locke gave him a funny look. "What am I?"



"The Hand of God, who can do whatever he pleases." Ultros

answered tiredly. 



Locke nodded, then turned to the gunner. "You may fire at will."



"Yes, sir." the gunner replied going to work.



Locke watched over his shoulder as the gunner clicked

on the Start button, moved the pointer to Programs, then

Hand of DooM controls, and finally, SuperLaser.



The computer clicked away for a few seconds, then reported:

"What?!" Locke exclaimed. "Bring up the explorer!"



The soldier did so, and examined the contents of the drive.



"It's all your games, sir. One of them has to go."



"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"









"Alright, let's go!" Terra spoke over the radio in Edgar's cockpit.



"Yeah, yeah." Edgar answered.



The fighters accelerated to attack speed, though none of the 

heroes knew what attack speed was. 









"I... I... I can't pick one!" Locke sobbed. 



"Those fighters are out there!' Ultros screamed.

"Get a grip on yourself! Just pick one!"



"NO! I can't! I just can't!" Locke said, backing away from

the computer. "You do it Ultros! I've... Got to go intercept those

fighters!"



With that Locke ran off the bridge.



Ultros turned to the gunner. "What's on the drive?"



"Let's see... Crusader, Master of Orion II, Doom II, Quake, TIE Fighter,

Wing Commander III, Diablo, King's Quest VII-"



"THAT'S IT!" Ultros exclaimed. "DUMP THAT ONE!"



The gunner clicked the mouse several times. "No good, it's 

just saved games."



"Damn Sierra!" Ultros cursed. "Not only are 99% of their games crap,

but you can't even dump them to fire a superlaser!"



"Okay, WarCraft II, Sam and Max Hit the Road-"



"Outpost?" Ultros asked. "Is outpost in there?"



The gunner (Who we shall call Fred) turned to Ultros.

"Locke's not stupid enough to buy THAT game! 

-FX Fighter, Battlemage..."







Locke's bent-wing TIE Fighter shot out of the hanger

with two standard TIEs as his wingmen. 









"Enemy targets on radar!" Cyan reported.



"Three on four. I'll go for the pipe, you three get Locke!" Terra ordered.



The lead ship pulled away from the rest of the group, who hit their

afterburners and blasted towards Locke's ships.







Locke chuckled as he saw the stupid heroes trying to take

one-on-one odds with his flight wing. 

Little did they know, that the pilots of his two TIEs where none

other then the great imperial generals Gaudin and Valroth. 

Those two would have the heroes for breakfast!









"-Rebel Moon Rising, Total Distortion, Civilization..."









Terra's ship charged on a straight course for the tail pipe.

The targeting scope showed 4.75 klicks to target.







For once Locke predicted something right. Gaudin and Valroth

overwhelmed Edgar, Celes and Cyan.



Locke broke free of the fighting and flew after Terra.

With his twin ion engines, Locke overtook her easily.

Yet before he could stop her, Terra fired the banana.

But it hit just off to the side. The shot was wasted.



Terra pulled up, but Locke stayed right behind her firing

his lasers aimlessly.



"I missed!" Terra called over the radio. "The banana has to be

aimed more precisely then the computer can do it. Locke's right behind

me. He's a horrible shot but he might get-" The communicator went dead

as Locke got lucky. He had *totally intentionally*  hit Terra's engines,

sending her ship plummeting into the Hand of DooM.



"Hey!" Edgar exclaimed. "Terra wasn't Luke! She was Red Leader! I'm Luke!

I'll destroy the Hand!"





Cyan and Celes where staring in shock at the scorched crater that was

all that was left of Terra's ship.









"-Torin's Passage,"



"That's it!" Ultros exclaimed (Yes, lot's of people exclaim in this chapter.)

"It's a Sierra game that takes up valuable hard drive space! Delete it

immediately!"



"Yes, sir!" Fred turned clicked the mouse several more times.

"Done! Ready to start the firing sequence."



"Do it!"









Edgar glanced at his targeting scope. 3.86 klicks.

Then, remembering the movie, he switched it off.

Ahead loomed the Hand of DooM, and it's achille's heel.







"I've never liked this one." Locke said to himself as he tried

to locke weapons on Edgar's ship. After Celes and Cyan had

stopped fighting to feel sad about Terra, Rene Gaudin and 

Charles Valroth had rejoined his wing. 

The three TIE Fighters closed mercilessly on Edgar's 

junk fighter. "I can take him." Valroth said.

"No." Locke replied. "You cover me, I'm on him."

After a pause, Valroth answered. "As you will."









Edgar could almost see the pipe, it was almost over!



Locke fired on him. Brilliant bolts of green energy shot passed his

ship. It was almost over. But then he was hit! One of his engines

went out. Without it he was a sitting duck (In the corner or not)

for Locke's next volley. 





Suddenly Valroth and Gaudin veered off. Locke, intent

on finishing Edgar, never saw the ship coming down right

on top of him. It fired, blasting Locke's fighter off into deep

space.





"You're all clear, brother!" Sabin's voice came over the comm.

"Now blow that thing to hell!"



Edgar was filled with all the power in the universe. (Well, he felt

like it) 

Looking straight down the tail pipe, he jammed his thumb down

on the firing trigger. The banana shot out of the ship, flying

gracefully through the black void.









"Power charging complete, stand by."







Closer and closer







"Stand by."









The banana slid straight into the pipe. It was done.











"Stand by..."











The three junk fighters, Sabin's starship and the two TIE fighters

shot away from the Hand of DooM just before it was consumed

by an incredible blast. The shock wave knocked their ships

about for a moment. Once they had regained control, the survivors

of the attack returned to Gaia, Triumphant!









As the fighters landed, a cheer went up from Umaro, Snarf and

97 Smurfs. The war heroes climbed down from their ships 

and met the crowds. Amidst the celebration, Edgar decided to

take the time to honor a lost friend.



"Well, she wanted to be Luke. Maybe if she hadn't, she'd still

be alive. But, no sense crying over spilt milk, or exploded friends.

At least I'm still the owner of the world's only known Chainsaw!"



"What, you mean MY Chainsaw?" A very familiar voice asked.



"NO!" Edgar screamed. "I saw your ship crash into the Hand of DooM!

I saw it!"



"Well, of course you did." Terra replied. "I wouldn't expect you

to see any different then the truth."



"But...but...how?" Edgar asked.



"How? Simple. good guys never die unless it's part of the script.

Nothing else can kill them. Of course, it applies to good gals as well."









The End

?