This wickedly twisted work of fiction is © copyrighted 1996 by Cody and Charles Faraone.

The Myridian Times recently gained an exclusive interview

with several of the stars of the new movie, The World Goes to Hell And It's

All Locke's Fault: Can You Guess Who I Don't Like?.



Following is the transcript between our interviewer, Guitar Warrior,

the star of Total Distortion, and writer of the hit song You Are Dead,

and the cast of TWGTHAIALF:CYGWIDL?







Guitar Warrior: Well, where to begin? Your new movie is doing well

                      at the box office.



Locke: Oh, yes. It's been one of our biggest money makers.



GW: Care to share your feelings about the movie?



Locke: Why not?



Terra: No rules against it.



Edgar: Okay, shoot.



GW: How did you feel about your roles?



Locke: It was my first major starring role with my name given top billing.

           Heck, my name was in the title! It was fun to play a villain.

           I can see why Kefka enjoyed his role in the original game.



Terra: I thought the whole part at the end would have been more...

          Well, just better if my character had really died at the Hand of

          DooM. But, they needed a joke to end the movie on. 



Edgar: I had a blast! You know they gave us a real Fusion Cannon?

          I really did waste Richard Simmons. That alone was worth

          doing the movie for, even if it had failed in the theaters.



Terra: Simmons does have his fans you know Edgar. Maybe you shouldn't

          have announced that in quite that way.



Edgar: Opps, sorry. I didn't mean to turn Simmons into a charred heap of

          sub-atomic particles.



Terra(Smiling): That's better.



GW: So, how does the whole process of making a movie go for

       video game characters? I'm sure our readers want to know.



Edgar: Much like a real movie.



Terra: But with a few important differences.



Locke: The biggest problem for us is something we agreed to

           many years ago, during the game. By becoming characters

           in Final Fantasy VI, we had to give up the right to decline

           roles in future derivative works.



Edgar: Basically, we have no choice, we have to star in it.



Terra: But we don't mind. Nobody holds bad movies against us.

         The public understands, so that's fine.



GW: So, I think our readers would be interested in all the inside

       info. Would you care to share any of it with them?



Locke (Chuckling): Yeah, sure. There's lots of it.



Terra: It was a weird movie.



Edgar: But fun.



Terra: Yes, a lot of fun.



Locke: This is the big one. They made the script up as they went along!



Terra: And when they made a mistake...



Edgar: They joked about it, and kept on going!



Locke: Like the bit with the ocean between South Figaro and Narshe.

           They forgot about it, so they filmed half the scene on one side,

           Then flew the crew across, and filmed the rest.



Edgar: Also, the movie might have been funnier if they had put all

          the jokes into it. They had quite a few more.

          Things like Mog with rabies, Shadow with epilepsy,

          Gau as a twisted mutant killing machine.



Terra: Of course, in the original plot, Edgar got impaled by his chainsaw

          after the explosion of Figaro Castle.



Edgar: In the original plot, Terra got her head inflated.



Locke: In the original plot, I won. But, as a movie, They had to change it.

           Some things just don't work out. Maybe next time...



GW: Next Time?



Locke: Ahh, yes. I said that. Well, I shouldn't say much, but, there might

           be a sequel.



Terra: They want to use up all of the jokes they made up for the first one.



Edgar: As long as they can avoid the black hole of bad sequels.

          It's gravitational pull is quite strong.



Locke: Who cares? If they make it, we star in it.



GW: So, to go off subject here, what do you think about Final Fantasy

       VII?



Edgar: It's the new thing.



Locke: It will be very cool.



Terra: But I think we got Square's best story in VI. It will be hard to top

         it. If they can do it, VII deserves the top spot.



GW: Well, thank you for your time, it has been a pleasure.



Edgar: Before we all leave, do you think we could sing a round of

          You Are Dead?



GW: Why not?



All: You are dead, dead, dead.



GW: Thought you were hot... Guess what, you're not.



All: You are dead, dead, dead.



GW: You brought you're whole adventure to a skreeching halt.



All: You are dead, dead, dead.



GW: Your heart has stopped and your brain is cold.

       You are so, so dead.

       And now your body is starting to mold.

       You are so, so dead.



       This dimension cuts like a knife.



All: You are dead, dead, dead.



GW: What a pitiful waste of a human life.



All: You are dead, dead, dead.



GW: Your heart has stopped and your brain is cold.

       You are so, so dead.

       And now your body is starting to mold.

       You are so, so dead.



GW: Ah, such a sad, sad story.

       You're gone empty head,

       in the red, game over, you're through.

       God, how does it feel to be dead?



       Bye, bye, you're history, you're through.

       You're dust.

       I hope you improve your lousy score.

       Adios, see you later, bye bye.



       Try again.



All: You are dead, dead, dead.



All: You are dead, dead, dead.



All: You are dead, dead, dead.



All: You are dead, dead, dead... ...



(If you don't have Total Distortion, you can click here and

listen to the song. But be warned, the file is about 2.8 megs.

Or go to PopRocket's home page.

Just enter the site and click on new sounds. It's on that page.)







Following are some comments that other characters have made

regarding the movie.







Setzer: Let me tell you, the computer graphics are incredible.

           They took footage of myself and the canary and somehow

           created that wonderful illusion! It's really amazing.





Kefka: I don't care. I wasn't in it, which is not good. But that's

          just as bad as if I was in it. You know?

          I hate these stories. I hate being resurrected, usually

          by Zeromus, and doing the same stupid things I did

          in the game over again, then getting beaten. It sucks.

          Now go away. Go. Before I do something unfriendly.





Gau: Gau like movie! Gau like part with big fight! Gau really bite

        Locke in first take. Director say Gau can't bite Locke, have

        to shoot scene again.  





Lugae: It was one of my rare films. It's not often that I get cast for a

           role. I'm not sure why. My character in Final Fantasy IV was a

           good one, wasn't it?





Chris Latta: I made history with this role! I became the first dead voice

                 actor to star in a movie and have an actual role!

                 Being dead isn't so bad! 

                 Incase some of you out there are wandering who the hell

                 I am, I played Starscream in The Transformers.

                 Say, my friend Peter was in the movie too. He played

                 Optimus Prime.





Drugy Smurf: Damn editors! Damn them! All my ******* parts got cut! They